madonna

She was, as some critics wrongly predicted, only going to be a flash in the pan. Then she went from being material girl, to ethereal girl. She went from being a tart, to being a sadist and everything in between to embracing the Kaballah. And all of her minions have blindly followed her along, never questioning any of her actions.

She can be idealized, she can forever be put on a pedestal, and she can just as easily be knocked off of it. One can admire her for her keen business sense, or for the way that she has time and time again picked herself up and kept on going. One can also admire that never once has she apologized for the mistakes that she has made, she seems to have learned from them and once again moved on.

But for someone who has been a formative leader in pop culture in the last twenty years, how much do we really know about her? This is a woman who has weaved her way into everyone’s consciousness. You either feel one way or another about her. There are very few people who don’t have an opinion. We have all let her into our lives. Some of us by our own accord, others through osmosis it seems. So for someone who is so deeply ingrained in our psyche, how is that we know so little about her?

This isn’t her problem so much as it is ours. What does it say about the culture that celebrates people that they do not even know the most basic information about? From most accounts that one hears about her she is not a kind person. She is supremely self-important and everything that she does, seems solely for the reason of self promotion. Yet we still celebrate her. What the fuck is wrong with us? What terribly sick demented part of ourselves feels the need to savor what we would not accept from our inner circle of friends?

She is a successful businesswoman. She has a lot of money and has a lot of homes and has almost unrestricted access to things that most of can only dream about.

But……she can not walk down the street without being mobbed. She can not run down to the store for a carton of cream, she cannot walk and get her Sunday Times. All of these little things that make up so much of so many of our days, she can not do. She has become prisoner to her own success as well as a prisoner to our own forgotten and broken dreams.

I have to wonder if sometimes she doesn’t loathe us.

the right price

When did this hoarding of wealth become a global pastime?

Could all of this be traced back to being treated like shit as a child? Will a big fat bank account make us feel superior to all those kids who were not nice to us in the sandbox?

What is it about money that has put us all in a trance?

Hell I want to make money as much as the next guy. To say you don’t means that you are either a half step away from nirvana, stupid or out and out lying.

But everyone has his or her price and for some of us it is surprisingly low.

What is money going to do for me? It all comes down to translation.

For some it means being able to drive a nice car, or live in a big house and not have to worry about the next mortgage payment. But is that all they really want out of their life? A nice car and a big house?

What about the things that money can not buy? A little piece of mind. Happiness?

Can money buy happiness? It is a half-truth.

Money can go a long way to making you happy, but money itself I think makes very few people happy.

So many people who do have a lot of money I think live a very isolated life. They have had to sacrifice so much for the sake of that money and now they do not know what or who is really important to them besides it.

Money makes us all feel better than those who do not have it.

Why?

I know so many people with piles and piles of money and I would not exchange my life for theirs ever.

But I still find myself a little envious of them from time to time.

Why?

Because of the freedom that it grants them. I would love to travel and see the world and not have to worry about the mundane prospect of how the rent is going to be paid.

I found that I am more obsessed with money than I was ever willing to admit. While I do not want to hoard it so I can dangle it in front of those who do not have it, I have to admit to myself that money has me in her hold.

I just haven’t heard the right price........

eternity

i got tired of waiting for something to happen so
i ran away with the circus
because an eternity had passed before my eyes.

people living desperate lives
so sure that theirs is the only suffering
from their hands to their mouths to god'’s ear
no one ever seems to be listening
and a life is whitewashed
and then hung out to dry
the volume so low no one hears it over the low buzz of what is to come

and what is to come?

just another beautiful lie
that will come and go
and no matter how hard we hold on
it will slip through the palm of our hand

who was the fat girl, whispering here i am?
to my singing fingers it was the saddest sound they have ever heard
waiting to hold you, to love you
was all that she could whisper

the ballad of the thin pretty girl
who just doesn'’t know how to love
such a tired old song
that is forever being played on the jukebox
in the corner diner at the intersection of central and main

Bitchy Fucking Queens

Jane is sitting on a barstool outside a very crowded bar on a Friday night working as a doorman. We know Jane. We have gone out for drinks before and on a number of occasions had quite good conversation with her.

But on this Friday night Jane is feeling a little tired, maybe a long work week and she has to deal with drunken faggots all night. 4am has never seemed so far away.

Enter me, my boyfriend and a friend. We go to say hello and before we can even get a hello out she snaps “you are gonna have to wait in line over there.”

Now, I was in no mood to wait in line to go into a bar. I really was in no mood to go out, but I was humoring a friend, as well as my boyfriend. So I was more than willing to do an about face and walk away and not give Jane or the bar another thought.

My friend being an older gay man, who was in almost a desperate state to meet someone, was more than willing to quietly shuffle to the end of the line and suffer the indignity of having to deal with Jane and her oh so fragile ego.

My boyfriend however was of a whole different mind. He had been friends with Jane for a while and was not about to let her get off with this sort of behavior.

Jane however, was not about to have any lip from anyone. She let loose a few gems from that big old purse of hers, she was setting an example for all the other faggots who might be entertaining thoughts of acting up.

None the less we walked away, my boyfriend and I, without our drink and without our friend.

He was more mortified that we were making a scene than he was that we were being treated so badly, by someone that was supposed to be a friend.

Now the whole time that Jane and my boyfriend were yelling at each other the only thought that was going through my head was “Jane, important people are inside the bar on a Friday night, not sitting on a stool outside of it.”

And there I had done it. Just nestled that tiara right there on my pate.

What is it about gay men that make us so quick on our toes? That as soon as we are feeling vulnerable we lash out with the only daggers that we are comfortable with? Words. We know how deep they can cut yet we have no regard for the scars that they leave. How can we be so fickle? Most of us are still nursing the wounds that we received as a child. We all have built up so many walls around us. We say that it rolls off of our back. We tell ourselves that it doesn’t affect us, so it is okay to do that to others. We are like a wounded animal, lashing out at whatever should come close to us, be it friend or foe.
Had Jane taken the time to say hello before telling us that it was really crowded inside and that we were going to have to wait, I am pretty sure I would have stayed and chatted and dutifully waited my turn to go inside. I am pretty sure my boyfriend would have done likewise. And our friend was going in no matter what they demanded of him. But now the question is raised, how do we deal with Jane next time we see her? This is the first time that she has ever been an outright bitchy cunt to me. I have no interest in pursuing this friendship, if that is what you want to call it. Do I let Jane know that she got under my skin? Did she win something? I guess it is okay that she knows she got to me. But in some small way I still feel, that yes she has won something. But what is it?

the house of dearth

dearth (as in "lack") n. : a severe shortage (especially a shortage of staples)

i just heard the funniest thing. some little yellow queen just started her own house. the house of flying daggers. she works at mtv and she thinks she's cute. let me tell you, in club light, cracked out at 5am she aint ugly. but when the sun comes up and the lights are on, let's just say this house was not built on a sturdy foundation, because one of its members used a good portion of it as cover up.

oh beautiful america........

jesus h christ and a bald fucking mary. it is absolutely heart breaking to be a witness to what this country has become. there was so much promise and so much hope. and we opted for the path of least resistance. the rest of the world used to look to us because we were beautiful and we were strong.

now we are just big and mean!

free lunch?

i know a single woman who is on the fatter side of healthy. she has been very successful professionally. she does not have a lot of friends. she is smug. she just got fired. she does not have a significant other. she just bought another apartment. she is incredibly materialistic. she has the latest of everything. she does not listen. she has proclaimed that she will not have a significant relationship until her parents are dead. she makes that bed every fucking day, and then complains about having to lie in it. why does this bother me so? because her bubble of regret and unsatisying choices, is not stagnant. it moves from here to there. it touches other people. people i care about. people i despise. regardless, i know a single woman who is on the fatter side of healthy. she is not taking the responsibility to make productive and satisfying choices for herself. and i always have to pay.

there is no free lunch.

she could skip lunch for a few weeks.